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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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One good thing about being 60 is that my investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.:yess:

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I know that you are supposed to be educated at school, but how come they don't teach you the interesting stuff.....

 

Like, how to mermaids reproduce??

 

How do mermaids pee and poop? 

 

I guess that enquiring minds just want to know!!   :P

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Apparently they are making football tables much more realistic these days.

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15 hours ago, Tristarcaptain said:

I know that you are supposed to be educated at school, but how come they don't teach you the interesting stuff.....

 

Like, how to mermaids reproduce?? 

 

How do mermaids pee and poop? 

 

I guess that enquiring minds just want to know!!   :P

 

I rather suspect they have become extinct. Who ever heard of a merman?  If there are mermen then they must adhere to the fish way of reproducing. That would make all mermen w**kers! 

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On 22/05/2018 at 19:09, Tristarcaptain said:

I know that you are supposed to be educated at school, but how come they don't teach you the interesting stuff.....

 

Like, how to mermaids reproduce??

 

How do mermaids pee and poop? 

 

I guess that enquiring minds just want to know!!   :P

I went out with a mermaid once, she had a terrific figure, 36, 24, £3.50 a kilo! :D

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If people only thought about it beforehand... 1f642.png:)

Genuine clips from complaint letters written to various councils..

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

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A Frenchman, and Italian and an Englishman are sat in a bar talking about their sexual prowess(what else?)

The Frenchman says, "When I make love to my girl she rises off the bed feels like she is floating on air!"

The Italian then says, "Ah, You French , you know nothing, When I make love my girl feels like she is and an gel and floating 3 feet above the bed!"

Then the Englishman says, "Hah you two are nothing, Last week when I made love to my wife, she seemed happy enough until I got up and wiped my dick on the curtains, the she went through the f**kin' roof !"

Edited by dodgy-alan
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

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Two men are playing golf.

One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

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That reminds me of another golf joke....

 

A Vicar and his friend were playing golf.....the friend took his first swing....'Darn!  Missed'.......second hole was the same and so on until the Vicar finally spoke up.

'You know, I really do wish that you wouldn't keep saying that...I find it offensive and annoying'.

A few moments later, the sky turned very, very dark and a thunderbolt came from above and the struck the Vicar dead.  A voice from on high said 'Darn...missed!!!'

 

(OK...bet you saw that coming!!!)

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Barbecue Routine


The woman buys the food.
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the
necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging
beside the grill, beer in hand.
The man places the meat on the grill.
The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will
bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the
table.
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off.' And upon seeing her annoyed
reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

Edited by IZ0JUB
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Hello, You have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.
Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home.
So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her.
When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her handbag and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

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Replacement is called for, obviously.  A devious crack like that will continue to propagate, becoming larger, less subtle and less able to satisfactorily perform its original function.  Repairs that simply close the fissure, while tempting, are not practical in this case.

 

Bob

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