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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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A guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver’s license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

“Okay, Mr. Smith,” the cop says. “I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Well then, better tell me what you got.”

Smith says, “Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There’s a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.”

“Okay,” the cop says. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. That’s about it.”

“Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?”

“Nope.”

“Well then, what are you afraid of...?”

“Not a damn thing...”

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I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did.

 

She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!'
To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!'

 

She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?'
My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either,

but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.'

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An AT&T tech gets drafted into the Army.

At boot camp, he goes to the rifle range with the rest of his platoon and

starts out shooting at 200 yards.

After each shot, the recruits working in the target pits signal a miss.

BANG - Miss, BANG - Miss, BANG - Miss. He shoots the rest of the magazine - BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG - and

the target still comes out of the pit without a mark.

So the former AT&T tech reloads, puts his finger over the muzzle, and BANG! blows his fingertip right off.

Puzzled, he turns downrange and shouts, "The rifle's fine! The problem must be at your end!"

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Purloined from a FB friend. I have no shame.:th_blush:

 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
 The man took out his wallet, extracted a fifty and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
 "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
 "Will you spend this on model airplanes instead of food?" the man asked.
 "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't built models in over 20 years!"
 "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
 The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
 The man replied, "That's okay. It’s important for her to see what happens to a man after giving up drinking and flying!”

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I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words:-

 

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

 

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces. 

:huh:

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Golf Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

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Two nuns were driving along when a vampire jumped on to the windscreen
"quick" (said one nun) "get out and show him your cross"

The other nun gets out of the car and yells at the vampire in her strictest voice,

"GET THE FECK OFF OUR CAR"

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I have a great step ladder. I only wish I knew my real ladder.

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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00

CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50 HANDYGRAM: $250.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary

money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a

couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. ?Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing

smile. "May I help you sir?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who

gives the handygram's around here?" She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well then, be sure to wash your hands

real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

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A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

 

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

 

The girl replied, in a loud voice. "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

 

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

 

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

 

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

 

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

 

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to manipulate people too." 

 

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POETIC JUSTICE!!


A woman from Vancouver - who was a tree hugging NDP’er, an anti-hunter, anti-pipeline environmentalist -purchased a piece of timberland near Squamish, BC . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top a spotted owl attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, an NDP’er and an anti-industry person and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then asked her to wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and told her, "Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but due to the Provincial Medical cut backs they turned you down.

You may wish to try Dr. Suzuki.

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*Julie Andrews Turning  79  

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.  One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.  Here are the lyrics she used: 

*Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,* 
*Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,* 
*Bundles of magazines tied up in string,* 
*_These are a few of my favorite things_*

*Cadillacs and cataracts,*  *hearing aids and glasses,* 
*Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,* 
*Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,* 
*_These are a few of my favorite things._* 

*When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,* 
*When the knees go bad,* 
*I simply remember my* *favorite things,* 
   *And then I don't feel so bad.* 

*Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,* 
*No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,* 
*Bathrobes and heating* *pads and hot meals they bring,* 
   *_These are a few of my favorite things._*

*Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',* 
*Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',*  
*And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,* 
*_When we remember our favorite things._* 

*When the joints ache, When the hips break,* 
   *When the eyes grow dim,* 
*Then I remember the great life I've had,* 
     *And then I don't feel so bad.* 

 

_Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd_ 
_that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please_ 
_share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who_ 
_would appreciate it_

 

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Kate asked me to pass her the tube of lip balm. I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue and now she won't speak to me.

Edited by hifly
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6 hours ago, hifly said:

Kate asked me to pass her the tube of lip balm. I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue and now she won't speak to me.

 

Bet she finally drops those pounds she has been moaning about...if not the moaning.

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Yesterday morning I slipped and fell as I was getting out of the shower and landed on my kids Disney toy - I went to A&E and all they did was take the mickey out of me

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