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mutley

The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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A guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver’s license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

“Okay, Mr. Smith,” the cop says. “I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Well then, better tell me what you got.”

Smith says, “Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There’s a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.”

“Okay,” the cop says. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. That’s about it.”

“Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?”

“Nope.”

“Well then, what are you afraid of...?”

“Not a damn thing...”

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I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did.

 

She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!'
To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!'

 

She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?'
My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either,

but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.'

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An AT&T tech gets drafted into the Army.

At boot camp, he goes to the rifle range with the rest of his platoon and

starts out shooting at 200 yards.

After each shot, the recruits working in the target pits signal a miss.

BANG - Miss, BANG - Miss, BANG - Miss. He shoots the rest of the magazine - BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG - and

the target still comes out of the pit without a mark.

So the former AT&T tech reloads, puts his finger over the muzzle, and BANG! blows his fingertip right off.

Puzzled, he turns downrange and shouts, "The rifle's fine! The problem must be at your end!"

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Purloined from a FB friend. I have no shame.:th_blush:

 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
 The man took out his wallet, extracted a fifty and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
 "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
 "Will you spend this on model airplanes instead of food?" the man asked.
 "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't built models in over 20 years!"
 "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
 The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
 The man replied, "That's okay. It’s important for her to see what happens to a man after giving up drinking and flying!”

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I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words:-

 

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

 

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces. 

:huh:

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Probably ought to reduce the dosage a little...

 

John

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Golf Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

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