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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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I was in a coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud so, to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.

 

 

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Edit: The vid starts toward the middle for some reason so start from the beginning.....

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Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. 

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

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I went to my weekly premature ejaculation support group. Turns out it was tomorrow.

Edited by hifly
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I went to my procrastinators support group, however I arrived two days late... We had a terrific meeting, and everybody to agreed to meet again next week same time.

Edited by Captain Coffee
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You lot are slowing down - nothing since Feb 3!

 

Here's a cute one:

 

Test: Seven advantages of mother's milk
Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of mother's milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground that the cat can't get it

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President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

 

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. 

 

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

 

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald, duck!”  

 

John

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A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,

he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look

at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of

adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.


Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon, from the nurse you pulled over last week."

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I'm not anti-Trump although I don't agree with some things he does, pretty much the same way I have felt about many of our past presidents but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy a good joke, I might add that many I looked at were rather mean spirited instead of clever funny. 

 

What does Melania see in Donald Trump?
"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"

 

My favorite Tweets,

 

Donald Trump is like if Homer Simpson inherited all of Mr. Burns' money

 

Donald Trump is like if a Yosemite Sam mudflap was a person

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My friend has been admitted to hospital. She was poisoned by eating a daffodil bulb that she thought was an onion. The doctor say she'll be out in the spring.

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I bought my wife 100 red roses for Valentines day. She said I imagine you'll want me to spread my legs for these!? I said no, you can use a vase.

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