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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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 ...at a vendor parked outside Tescos.

 

Beware mobile kitches, or as they sometimes call them here, Roach Coaches.  If you must, self-sterilizing products are best, usually anythign with alcohol in it.

 

John

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Eat too many and you'll get a little hoarse! You just have to reign in your appetite or you'll be for the high jump!

@Alan-That's three groans and a Tesco burger for you. :D

 

@John-I ate from the so called roach coaches for many years. I check by blood four times a year to this day. :D

 

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Did I mention that I used to have a job crushing Sprite and Fanta cans? It was soda pressing. hmm-1_zps766b7fe2.gif

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I gotta start another joke thread......

There's this guy, sitting in his chair by the fire, smoking his pipe and minding his own business when the phone rings.

He picks up the phone and the caller informs him that he's the man's wife's doctor. Ok, "so, how can I help you?" says the man.

The doctor explains that his office is doing a change-over from manual records (old joke) to computer records and there's been a bit of a mixup.

The man suggests the doctor talk to his wife as she seems to be the subject of the conversation. The doctor says " No, it's you I need to talk to ". "Seems the mixup involves two patients; one has Alzheimer's and the other has Aids".

"Gee that's too bad Doctor", says the man. "how can I help?"

The doctor says "It's quite simple, really. Send your wife down to the corner for a newspaper. If she comes back, leave her alone!"

Cheers,

March

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LOL, oh dear.

I was talking to a guy earlier who'd had his 3 piece suite recovered in sanitary towels. I thought it rather odd so asked him why. He told me he just loved period furniture!

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Three women were sat in the pub talking about their husbands, the subject got onto their marital prowess, One of them suggested that to save red faces they should use cars as an analogy. The first one started, "Well" she said ," Mine is like a Ferrari, Hot, Fast and powerful !" she looked smugly at the other 2. The second one said , "Well mines like a Jeep, Tough, Rugged and keeps going no matter what!" she too looked smug, the third one looked somewhat doubtful, "Well I guess mines like an old classic car!" the other 2 looked puzzled, do tell then they said, "Well" said the third one,"he rallies once a year and has to be started by hand!"

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One liners it is:

There are three kinds of people in this world - those who understand mathematics and those who don't.

Cheers,

March

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Is the phrase "Government intelligence" a contradiction of terms?

 

What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread?

 

Does the Refrigerator light really go out when you close the door?

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If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

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In a way it's good news because that only means we do not have to worry about what is in chicken nuggets............

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To prove to the squirrel and Armadillo (substitute your local variety of roadkill here) that it could actually be done.

 

John

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one knows yet? Just give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll get the answer out of him. :D

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Couldn't resist posting this one.

 


Who says the Scots are tight fisted?
 

A  Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, then unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,

which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"


"Ten pence" says the chemist.


The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door,

shoulders back and kilt swinging.


A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.


The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.


"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.


“We'll have a new one."



 

 

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The Food Standards Authority have decreed that from now on all meat products will no longer show the calorie count on the labels, instead it will have a horsepower rating!  

McDonalds have announced that to fall in line with this, the Big Mac will now become the 50HP and the Quarter Pounder will be the 100HP ! Instead of salad each will come with extra hay, and you really don't need to know where the cheese comes from!

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I saw a teenage girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.

"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.  ;) 

Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

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