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Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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2 hours ago, Captain Coffee said:

I agree, it could be a Great Value. :whis:

 

It has been - to him.  His personal carbon footprint is only exceeded by the wealth this stuff has brought him.

 

John

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Mindful of the police breathalysing drivers at this time of year, after a few too many in the pub I decided to leave the car and take a bus home. Sure enough the police were stopping cars for drink drive tests but waved the bus through and I got home safe and sound. What surprised me was I'd never driven a bus before and I've no idea where I got it from.

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Oh, the irony!  

 

The message on the back door is almost as good as the one on the side.  

 

Pretty sure the sign just above the truck warns of 10' clearance.  

 

Judging from the details of the bridge, that's a railroad above so probably safe to say he didn't hurt that much.

 

Good one!

 

John

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Everyone sure looks like they're having fun.  Can those folks party, or what?

 

John

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Words of Wisdom from a Former FSX Fighter Pilot 

 

A couple of us local retired types from the Senior Center were asked to address a high school gathering put on by the PTA. As luck would have it, I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself.

 

I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bullshit; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions. The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?”

 

I said, “That’s an easy one. Looking back over my 7+ decades, I believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and whores. The rest I just wasted.”

 

I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:

 

   1)  If it flies, floats, or f__ks, it’s cheaper to rent it!

   2)  If it’s got tits or tires, you’re gonna have problems with it

 

I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish.

 

Kids need to know this stuff. 

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Fred Smith was surprised when his wife left him for a guy who was deaf and dumb.


He obviously didn't see the signs.

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Q:  What is very large, makes a lot of smoke and noise, consumes 20 liters of gas per hour, and cuts an apple into three pieces?
 
A:  A Soviet machine built to cut apples into four pieces.
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7 minutes ago, allardjd said:

What is very large, makes a lot of smoke and noise

 

I saw that one coming John :D

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I love a good joke, like everyone else.  So todays laugh must be courtesy of the UK Government and other higher ups who just do not know how to handle snow!

It seems as though the UK goes beserk when it snows.....I heard that they had four inches and the country is all 'excited' and in a panic!  Goodness me, four inches is a dusting......Yes, I moved from the UK and  I know that there can be 'the wrong sort of snow that screws up railway points' and all the other 'good excuses'

Over here in Indiana a few years ago, we had three feet of snow and we just got on with life without creating a song and dance. 

So, to the UK Government, 'Keep calm and carry on shoveling'!!  :whis:

 

As for me, it is sunny, about 50F and time to go sunbathing in my snow free back yard!!   :P

 

Martin 

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Prince Harry and Megan have announced that they don't want the traditional fruit cake at their wedding reception. However. Prince Phillip has retorted that he doesn't give a toss what they say. He's still going!

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10 hours ago, CAT3508 said:

Prince Harry and Megan have announced that they don't want the traditional fruit cake at their wedding reception. However. Prince Phillip has retorted that he doesn't give a toss what they say. He's still going!

That is hilarious!!:rofl: :rofl:

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I think that with a bit more brush area it could make a very effective cat washer...toss in a bit of soap, toss in a kitty, slam down lid, hit the on switch...allow to agitate for a minute or so and flush a few times to finish the wash cycle.

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6 hours ago, Captain Coffee said:

I think that with a bit more brush area it could make a very effective cat washer...toss in a bit of soap, toss in a kitty, slam down lid, hit the on switch...allow to agitate for a minute or so and flush a few times to finish the wash cycle.

 Do you mean agitate the water...or agitate the cat!!!  Maybe the cat would already be agitated after such an ordeal!! ;)

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13 hours ago, Tristarcaptain said:

 Do you mean agitate the water...or agitate the cat!!!  Maybe the cat would already be agitated after such an ordeal!! ;)

 

All of the above Martin. It's about as self agitating a washing machine as I can imagine...the brush assembly may not even be required. ;)

 

(fyi, I am feeding my pampered and completely dry cat Marina fresh roasted chicken bits from my dinner as I am typing this...no cats of mine will ever be washed this way...besides, i have a marine head, doubt I could hold the bowl shut whilst hand pumping and the fur would surely clog the Joker Valve. :D

Edited by Captain Coffee
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Lol!  Cats are great really...we have four at the moment (one died about two years ago), so we have our hands full looking after them!  We have two black cats, one white and one gray.  :D

 

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As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.


Most people with cats know they are being controlled. That is the most disturbing part.


A cat knows your every thought. They don't care, but they know.


There is no snooze button on a cat who wants to be fed.


Cats are smarter than dogs (or reindeer).  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.


Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

 

John

 

EDIT:  Related to pulling sleds (and a lot of other things) - If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes.

 

JDA

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You are right John. 

 

Dogs have masters.....cats have servants!!!  :)

 

Time to feed the cats........must dash!!  :whis:

 

Martin

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The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

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