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Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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A trainer of aquatic mammals discovered quite by accident that if he fed seagulls to porpoises, they would live forever. He aquired two seagulls to take to the porpoises. Arriving at his facility he found an old, mangy lion asleep on his doorstep. In a hurry to feed the gulls to the porpoises so they could live forever, he stepped across the lion. Policemen immediately appeared and arrested him. The charge - - - transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

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A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said,

"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas." :rofl:

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@Joe, great video. The man is on top of it!

I hope our european friends will appreciate this one.

In a long past World Series (US Baseball, sort of like Cricket, but shorter games) there was a pitcher named Milt Famey.

Now, Milt liked hIs brew, but he was usually sober for any baseball game where he was called to the mound.

Unfortunately, the pressures of the World Series got to Milt and he drank a lot of beer before the big game. I won't go into a play-by-play for reasons of limited space, but suffice to say that, with the two teams tied in the bottom of the ninth, Milt walked four batters for the winning run and his team lost the Pennant.

The newspaper interview for the winning team got the following quote from one of the winning runners (walkers) "It was the beer that made Milt Famey walk us".

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There is evidence that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers, but unfortunately all the league records were destroyed in a fire.

Thus we'll sadly never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

John

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Hi Guys,

This is not mine. It was sent to me by a friend who knows about my hobby.

Cheers

 

 The Blonde Pilot..




This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater
airplane with just the pilot.


He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May
Day.


"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and
is dead.


And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help
me!"


She hears a
voice over the radio saying:


"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will
talk you through this and


get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this
kind of problem.



'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give
me your height and position."


She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."
 

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Hehe sexist jokes "R" us!

 

Good job we know better of you or we would sent Jess around to sort you out th_brodkavelarg.gif

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I'm ready and waiting Boss.

Maybe a leathering from Jess would sort my back out. :woot:  :thumbup:

 

PS. Bring it on Jess. :D

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I've always liked this one...

 

Center: November Three Five Juliet, say altitude.

 

N35J: Altitude

 

Center: November Three Five Juleit, say airspeed.

 

N35J: Airspeed

 

Center: November Three Five Juleit, say "Cancel IFR"

 

N35J: November Three Five Juliet is 7,000 feet, 185 knots.

 

John

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John, reminds me of-

 

 

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 vacating the runway"
 
Ground: "Guten morgen Speedbird. Taxy to your gate"
 
The BA Aircraft comes to a halt.
 
Ground: "Speedbird 206 do you not know where you are going?"
 
Speedbird:" Standby ground. I'm looking up the gate location now."
 
Ground(with a hint of Germanic impatience):" Speedbird 206. Have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
 
Speedbird:" Yes I have been several times in 1944 but we didn't land"

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PMSL !

That was a really good one but Alan, you might need to get that problem checked at the doctors. Otherwise it will be diapers for you at the local comedy club. :D

 

From a Southwest

Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate

your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works

just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you

probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss

of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,

grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling

with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling

with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

 

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Ooooh Brett!

That would be a real dilemma eh.

I never really got the screaming bit. It's not as if screaming is going to avert a crash, so why waste the energy.

I think I would spend the time before impact on raiding the drinks trolley. :P

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Recently went for a burger at a vendor parked outside Tescos, After the guy had added the onions he said "would you like anything  on this?" to which i replied, "Yes please, five quid each way in the 3:30 at Fontwell!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

( In case our overseas friends have no idea what I'm referring to, A big scandal has recently blown up over here regarding traces of horse meat being found in Burgers sold by some of the big supermarket chains, It was mainly in there value products and was something to do with their suppliers,  the matter is still being investigated, in the meantime they cannot escape the jibes aimed at them!)

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 I think I would spend the time before impact on raiding the drinks trolley. :P

That reminds of a time I almost got arrested on the red eye from LAX to Kennedy. Long story but did you know that stewardesses have no sense of humor. :D

 

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But leaving a trail makes it easier for the coppers to find the hamburglar's.....(ok I admit that was a stretch, punishment is two groans and a Tesco burger) :D  

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Eat too many and you'll get a little hoarse! You just have to reign in your appetite or you'll be for the high jump!

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