Very comprehensive write up.
However I feel you may be getting mixed up between the words "serious" and "hungover" where jess is concerned. I do realise that often the end result appears to be similar.
I only request non-dairy creamer in hotter climes because, frankly, proper milk and cream tends to curdle, even when bringing along a portable fridge. I don't know who gave you the idea of sweetener (or indeed any form of sweetening), but ugh! Just . . . no.
Did you by chance waft a Geiger-Müller tube over the baton? I have my suspicions that you might want to get checked out if you kept it too close. Especially in that little mousegun of a plane you flew for the final leg. Perhaps the boss would like to issue an official company memo on the present glowy nature of our famous stick?